:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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