My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
