The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Less talking, more tequila
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
