so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
