yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
