be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
