There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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