I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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