New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just want nice things and good sex
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
