Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
