watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
