Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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