OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
