I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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