Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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