is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
