It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My life is pants optional.
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