I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
