Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
