I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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