Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
