***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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