A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
