Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
