end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
