She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
