is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You were trust falling into bushes
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
