I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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