she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
