I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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