I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
