Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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