i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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