It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
