i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
