I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
