my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
