i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
