i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
