No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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