So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
