I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
