I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
bring money and cleavage
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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