If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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