On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
