My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
