i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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