I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
