Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
