Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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