eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
