He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
