Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
