Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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