Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
