I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
