i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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