You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
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Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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