This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
