sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
