I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
