At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
