Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
